Guilty

I have a confession: I took a hit of a cigarette. Not just one hit, more like 5 hits. Yes, I'd been drinking, but that is not an excuse. Yes, I went off the Chantix, but that shouldn't be an excuse either. I think maybe that I wanted to test myself. To see if I hated it yet (I didn't). To see if I could hit it, just once. I totally broke my Not One Puff Ever rule. And now I know why that is the rule, because it's NEVER just one puff. The good news is that I haven't smoked since then. That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it though. I thought about it all the next day, and in the days that followed, probably because the nicotine was in my system again. I guess it was a good thing, because I proved to myself that I can't have just one. I know they say that all the time, it's the junkie thinking, and it causes relapses all the time, but now I've experienced it firsthand. I'm disappointed in myself for giving in so easily, but I suppose the important part is that I haven't, and won't give in again. I can't give in again. I've put too much effort into this quit to give up now, not to mention how hard it would be to quit again. I need to recommit myself to putting forth more effort in tempting situations, and remind myself of the reasons why I decided to quit smoking.

Update

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've blogged! I guess not much has changed. I'm still NOT smoking, and still working out and eating healthy (for the most part). I've been forgetting to take my Chantix sometimes, but haven't really noticed a difference when I forget and when I take it. I'd like to stop taking it, but I really want this Quit to work, and I've read that if you don't take it the whole 90 days, you have a greater chance of relapse. I just got my last Continuing Month pack from the Pharmacy, and will continue to take it twice a day, assuming I remember to. I still think about smoking almost daily, but it's not like I really want one, just thinking about what it would be like to have one. I've heard that the urge doesn't really go away, which is hard, but it feels so much better to watch the urge pass unfulfilled.

I am going on vacation in a week, which will be an interesting test. I won't smoke, but I will be around smokers more than I have been since I quit, which will be a challenge. I will try to eat as healthy as possible, but unfortunately, down South, they like their food fried! I will probably be walking more than usual, which is good, and I will try to make it to the gym at least once while I am down there. But I know that it is a vacation, and I have to let myself indulge, as long as I can get back on track when I get back home. Everything has been crazy lately, and it will really be nice to get to SC and unwind in true Southern style. I can't wait!

I am a Champion!

Tonight marks 4 weeks tobacco-free! I'm pretty proud of myself, even though it hasn't been as hard as I expected. It also hasn't been rewarding as I expected, so I guess that is the trade-off. Today I had my Personal Health Assessment at work, and I told the nurse that I had recently joined a weight loss program and quit smoking. She said "Good for you!" and asked if I would mind filling out a Your Plan For Health Champion Testimonial form. I said, of course! It was basically just a form detailing my accomplishments, that they keep on file and may choose to feature in a newsletter at some point. I thought that was pretty cool, although if they decide to include a picture, I hope they take a new one!

I am actually glad that I decided to write this blog, because it helps me reflect on the things I am going through. Sometimes I do take a pessimistic attitude and think that it hasn't been easy and that it's unfair that I am quitting when I see/know other people are still smoking (Hi Mom and Dad!). I don't feel empowered, or whatever it is that I thought I would feel, and sometimes it's much harder than I let on. It's a daily internal struggle that I deal with, and at certain times, it's hard not to just give in. It is much harder to drive right past the Sunoco if I am upset or stressed out, but I am getting good at reminding myself that even if I did decide to smoke, it would not make me feel any better or different. It would only make me feel guilty for failing.

I think the weight loss/eating better is easier to focus on, because it involves decisions that I make constantly. I walk past the candy on the front desk several times a day, and consciously decide not to grab a piece. Or I decide to stay in for lunch when I know I'm going out later, even if people are going to my favorite restaurant. And then I get rewarded when I weigh in that week (another 2 lb loss this week!), or when I realize I need to buy new work pants because mine are starting to fall down. With smoking, or rather, NOT smoking, the decision is more subconscious, and there's no tangible evidence of it. Sure, I get to say 'no' when people ask if I've smoked, and I'm somewhat proud of the fact that I don't have lighters to offer when people need to light birthday cakes, because I've ALWAYS been the girl that people ask for a flame, or to bum a cigarette. And it does feel good to say no (assuming they can find another way to light a birthday candle, so no one has to go with candles on their cake!). But there is no number on the scale, no real physical way to measure the success of not smoking. I do have the counter on my blog, and that is nice to refer to. I don't know, I guess I just don't feel as successful about quitting smoking as I do about losing weight. I don't feel as though I've truly 'succeeded' at quitting, even though I haven't smoked. Maybe it will just take more time to feel successful. My daily activity said that it is time to celebrate my success! I just need to figure out how and what to splurge on for my one month free. Any ideas? No Coach purse yet, I have to wait at least 3 months for that! I was thinking maybe a manicure, or something small like that.

3 Weeks Down, Forever to Go

Now that I have 3 weeks under my belt, I am starting to feel like more of an 'ex' smoker. They say it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit (who are 'they'??) so I guess I've broken the habit. I definitely still think about smoking at least once a day, and when I see packs of cigarettes in the store, it makes me a little sad to know that I won't ever be buying that blue and white pack of Parliaments again. Sometimes I remind myself that those little packs were costing me a lot of money, and were soo not worth it.

I still don't feel any different. My lungs don't feel clearer, my sinuses are still kind of stuffy (even with my neti pot!), I still have dark circles under my eyes. I'm still slowly noticing the taste buds reviving themselves. And I definitely can tell my sense of smell has improved. The air fresheners in my house and car are a welcomed joy! I've also been using my Juicy perfume regularly, since it's not going to be wasted just to cover up the smell of smoke.

I've been doing pretty well on the Weight Watchers plan too. I lost 1.2 lbs at Weigh In last week, but only .2 this week. Oh well, a loss is a loss, at least it's not a gain! I've been going to the gym at least every Wednesday, and sometimes I'll go a second day. I really need to get to the point where I'm going at least 3 times a week. This past week, I went on Monday, and struggled to stay on the elliptical for even just 20 minutes, and the bike for 10. But Wednesday, with my gym buddy, E, I was able to run for 28 minutes (at a pretty high intensity), and 20 min on the bike! On top of that, I've been doing weight machines and crunches. I am kind of starting to notice a difference when I look in the mirror.

I'm trying to cook more and eat out less, and I think that has been pretty successful. Except that twice this week, I forgot my packed lunch at home, oops. I've been eating dinner at home during the week, and MOST days I pack lunch, saving my dining out occasions for the weekends.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with how I've been doing, but I definitely see room for improvements.

2 Week Mark!

It's been almost exactly two weeks since I smoked my LAST cigarette! Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it seems like it's been forever. Most of the time, when I can just avoid thinking about it, it's not so hard. But sometimes, when I'm bored at home, it can be very frustrating! I need to come up with new ways to distract myself, things that I did not use to do while smoking. I've been slacking on my diet a little bit too. I'm still within my points, but I've been snacking a LOT more. For the most part, it's been healthy snacks, but sometimes I choose not so healthy snacks. I think indulging in candy occasionally is my way of rewarding myself for not smoking, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In the long run, an unhealthy snack here or there is much better than continuing to smoke! I haven't made it to the gym as much as I'd like, but there is always room to improve there. Overall, I'd say quitting has been much easier than I had expected to be (mostly because of the Chantix, I'm sure), but the urges are a bitch! Not fun. At least it makes me realize that I can't EVER start smoking again because it SUCKS to quit!

Week 2

Well, I made it through Week One. Overall, it was not nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. There was some rough times, of course, but it was tolerable. Hopefully, this week will be better. It should keep getting easier, I think. I think I've broken the habit and the addiction, and the important thing now is to realize that I can never take even one single puff. NOPE - Not One Puff Ever.

Frustrated

Yesterday was a hard day. I was in a bad mood for most of the day, and had another mini-meltdown on the drive home. I considered going to a yoga class after work, but I ended up just staying home and watching a movie. I think its okay to indulge in laziness once in awhile. I'm definitely hitting the gym tonight though.

I think I am getting a little frustrated now. I'm not exactly sure what I expected to happen when I quit, but I am surprised that I feel exactly the same. I mean, I know it will take time for my body to heal itself, since I've spent so many years destroying it, but I guess I was hoping for immediate gratification. I've heard people say they got a sore throat and cough when they quit, and I haven't really experienced any of that. Not that I want to, necessarily, but it would at least be something to show me that my body has started the healing process.

I pretty much only get the urge to smoke once a day, and surprisingly, it's not even in the morning! Usually it's after work or after dinner. I've been chewing a lot of gum and eating a lot of carrot sticks, and brushing my teeth a lot (which I'm sure my mom is proud of!). I really have not had a single desire to go to the store and buy a pack of cigarettes. I've thought about what it would be like to take a puff off of someone else's, or bum one from them, but I haven't really been around any smokers for that to even be a possibility. And I don't think I would want to reset my quit meter for a single cigarette, it's simply not worth it.

Passing the 4 day mark

Day 4 and still going strong. For the most part it's been okay, but sometimes I get really frustrated. I don't feel like I'm about to break down and smoke, but more like I just want to throw a temper tantrum! Like a little kid at the toy store whose parents won't buy her what she wants. And let me tell you, I was a pretty spoiled child and it is not easy for me not to get what I want! I am trying to stay busy, so it's a good thing there is enough to clean at my apartment to keep me busy for at least a month.

I haven't had too many side effects from the Chantix. Still vivid dreams, and sometimes nausea. I've noticed I've been really tired lately, but I'm not sure if that is from the drug or the nicotine withdrawal. I fall asleep almost as soon as I hit the pillow, but usually, it's always taken me awhile to fall sleep. Now I find that I can't even really read before I go to sleep, which kinda sucks because I love to read, and that is really the only time I get to read!

I filled my house and car with air fresheners, and I can actually smell them now! It used to smell like fragrance over cigarette smoke, but now it just smells clean! I just need to keep focusing on the positives, and keeping myself occupied, and it will continue to get easier.

Day 2

Yesterday went well for the most part. I did have a mini-meltdown around 9 pm, the 24 hour mark. Luckily, my boyfriend has been really supportive, and that helps a LOT. We ended up going out to a bar to see a friend of mine play, and OF COURSE there was a Camel girl walking around passing out free packs of cigarettes. She asked us twice if we were smokers. I guess I consider myself a "recovering" smoker right now, on my way to being an "ex-smoker."

Today has been okay for the most part. There have been a couple of times where I just really felt like I wanted a cigarette, and it can be pretty frustrating. But I know that feeling will pass, and I think the Chantix makes it much easier to help the urge pass. I don't feel any different yet, but supposedly, after 48 hours smoke free, the senses of taste and smell return, and I am very excited about that! I bet I will not be as tolerant of spicy foods as I thought I was! The nicotine is out of your system at 72 hours, so I don't know if it will get better or worse at that point. I guess we will see.

Quit Day

So today is my Quit Day, and it's going pretty well. I can only hope it continues to go well. I was fine on the drive to work this morning, and fine at lunch when I drove to get food. I was really worried about the 'trigger' of driving, but I've found that if I turn on some good music and sing along, I hardly think about smoking. I'm a little bit surprised, but pleased, with myself. It helps to read about it on the Internet I think, because it keeps me thinking about only the negative aspects. It really hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. At work, someone asked me if I had a lighter, to light birthday candles on a cake. It was the first time in my life that I could say no, I quit smoking. I did track down some matches for him to use, but just being able to say no when he asked was a great feeling. I have driven by several gas stations today, and did not once have the urge to stop and buy cigarettes. I'm sure the Chantix is helping, but I think a lot of it is that I am finally ready to quit. Wish me luck!

Fail

Yesterday was supposed to be my Quit Day, and it came and went and I am still smoking. Much less, but still something. I didn't feel prepared, and I still can't give up that morning smoke. It's not like I even want it anymore, but I just can't give it up. Yesterday I only had 3, which, if you know me, is really good for me. I can't remember the last time I only had 3 cigarettes in a day. I've already had one this morning, and I regret it. I think the problem was that I still had some in my purse. I don't think I would've stopped to buy some, but since it was convenient, I had one. I promised myself that this was my last pack, so only 2 left, no matter what.

My Chantix dose doubled yesterday, and I felt okay in the morning, but when I took the second dose last night, at dinner, it made my stomach hurt something fierce. Of course, I still went outside to have my after dinner cigarette (third and final of the day), even though I felt super nauseous. I guess I am just that dedicated. I felt like I was gonna throw up for 20 min or so, and finally ate some Tums, which I think helped me feel better. I haven't taken my first dose today yet, because I am waiting to take it with my lunch so it (hopefully) won't make me sick.

I can tell I am already going through nicotine withdrawal, because I have a lingering headache, and I am very cranky! But I can definitely tell that the urge to smoke has decreased dramatically. I still think about it (a lot, more than I would like, or care to admit) but it is much easier to deny the urge, and then it passes. I am starting to break myself of the habit. Yesterday at work, I didn't have one from the time I arrived until the time I left. That is the first time since I can remember that I didn't smoke at lunch. I won't have one today either. And I may try not to have one for the rest of the day. I feel ready, or at least more ready than I have been before. I guess we will see!

Almost Time

Well I am on day 6 of Chantix and tomorrow is my last day to smoke. Not many side effects from the drug, except some nausea if i don't take it with food. Also, my dreams have been even more vivid than usual, which is pretty hard to believe, for me! I'm somewhat nervous about quitting, I think the first day will be pretty hard. I cleaned my car today, and will clean my apartment tomorrow and get rid of all of my ashtrays. It's kind of excited, but I don't know what to expect. Because of the Chantix, my body is already going through nicotine withdrawal, so I'm just going to have to deal with the habit. I may have to go to the gym every day for awhile!

Making the decision

I've been thinking about quitting smoking for awhile now, and even more seriously in the last couple of months. I wanted to start a blog to track my journey on the road to smoke-free. I've finally decided that there is no better time than the present to make changes, and this is one of the things I need to do. I hate to admit it, but the thought of life without cigarettes scares me a little. I know I am going to need more than just my own willpower to get through this, and I am going to take Chantix to help, along with the support of my friends and family. I've never tried to stop smoking before, and I am kind of nervous. I've decided to approach it as a trial period, to see what life without cigarettes is like, without the pressure of trying to make this a permanent life change. Hopefully, it will only take once, and I will remain an ex-smoker for life, but I will not beat myself up if it takes me a couple of tries.

So this is where my story begins I guess. I started Weight Watchers in November, and that has been going pretty well. I've been doing a good job of tracking everything I eat and drink. Some people think that it's a bad idea to try to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time, but I think they go hand in hand. I think it will be easier for me to motivate myself to get to the gym, and I think getting to the gym will keep me from smoking. I think it will be easiest to change all three things (eating, exercise and smoking) all at once.

So here goes! I'm filled the Chantix prescription tonight, and will start taking it tomorrow morning. I will try to post daily, or every couple of days, with my triumphs and setbacks, feelings and concerns. Thanks for reading!